The holiday season would not be complete without having to endure a sexist joke from an uncle or a racist remark from a grandma at family dinner. Even for those who call themselves allies or those that claim to ally different communities, it is often difficult to decide what to do when a relative or family-friend makes such discriminatory remarks.
Ally vs. Co-Conspirator
When it comes to situations like these, it is important to remember that allyship is not a noun, it is more of a verb. We cannot just be allies; we must ally different communities and actively work to dismantle the systems that were put in place to oppress the vulnerable communities we are working to ally. Our actions (or lack thereof) will show if we are truly trying to help these oppressed communities and individuals or if we just want the moral high ground to say that we do because it is what others may expect of us or may make us seem “cool.”
Promising or committing to be an ally to LGBT+ communities is a good place to start, but there are people that do not understand what it truly means. Just considering ourselves allies is not enough to help these oppressed people.
To ally with a group of people or a community, we must constantly collaborate with them and experience their struggles for equality. Many people use the term ally wrong or use it to show that they are non-racists or non-homophobic rather than using terms and actions to show that they are, in fact, anti-racists or anti-homophobic. Using terms and actions such as co-conspirator or accomplice show that we are actively working and potentially even using any privilege we may have to actively help in the battle for equal rights and treatment.
Personal Testimony
It was not until around the beginning of 2019 that I came out to my dad and a couple other family members as bisexual. Even still, before I came out to them, I would call them out for their potentially homophobic comments. My stepbrother grew up in a small town with few minorities and few people openly LGBT+. At every holiday get-together, if there was ever anything that was an inconvenience to him, he would yell “That’s gay.” This was something I consistently called him out for, explaining why it was wrong and insensitive. Though I am in the LGBT+ community, I am still working to be a co-conspirator with people in this community and other historically-oppressed people, because I know that I have the privilege of passing as a straight, cis-gendered woman when others do not have that privilege.
Not everything said has a negative connotation or ill-intent towards a minority group, but it is still important to educate those who say certain phrases or statements to help impede their ignorance.
Things change by educating not only our families and those around us, but also ourselves. If we do not discuss with our families and friends their homophobic, racist, and/or sexist comments, then we are enabling their thoughts and opinions. If we are not telling them that it is wrong, then we are effectively telling them it’s right, whether we agree with them or not. This is the difference between being non-racist and being anti-racist. Being non-racist is the process of doing the bare minimum if anything at all and not being racist or doing things considered racist. Being anti-racist is actively addressing others’ actions and things that they say while helping them to understand why it is wrong.
Calling Out vs. Calling In
Calling Out vs. Calling InThere is also the argument of whether we should publicly call someone out on their ignorance and hateful comments and actions or if we should “call someone in.” Calling someone in means addressing their problematic behavior or comments in a more secluded setting rather than in front of other people. There can be positives and negatives to both ways of addressing issues. Calling someone out can lead to negative and uncomfortable energy among everyone in the area for quite a while whereas calling someone in can allow the tension to be less impactful on everyone. Calling someone in can also make them less uncomfortable about being addressed over the topic and potentially make them more comfortable to listen and keep an open mind.
Freedom of speech does not free someone from the consequences of that speech. In any case of saying something wrong, there are usually consequences for it. Why shouldn’t that apply even within families, close friends, or even relationships? It is not OK to yell fire in a crowded movie theatre as a joke; why is it OK to make a joke out of someone’s existence?
Older family members will often claim, “That’s the way I was raised,” but just because that is the way someone grew up, does not make it the right way, especially in today’s culture and society. If that is their excuse, then everyone from that time raised in a similar manner would be like that, but there are countless people who have grown with our evolving society. It is important to help family members stop and understand their acts of discrimination, no matter how minuscule, because once they have an inch, they will take a whole mile.
Take Action
In a similar manner to people thinking cigarettes are a gateway drug, a lack of accountability and the presence of ignorance due to lack of education leads to bigger problems when we do not address these issues with our relatives, close friends, and holiday company this year and every year following. So encourage everyone to keep these things in mind. We must stand our ground, actively address ignorance, and educate at all levels for change to ensue. Do the minimal effort of helping these oppressed populations by ensuring they are respected and understood in any and all settings.
Author Tag
Ciara Pate is a Black, bisexual woman living in Kansas City, MO. She grew up in rural areas throughout northwest Missouri, attending predominately white schools, neighborhoods, etc. Ciara moved to Kansas City to attend the University of Missouri – Kansas City and joined groups on campus and off to help inspire support and change around the Kansas City metro area for LGBT+, people of color, and other oppressed and vulnerable populations.